Rubber Ducky Soap Opera
by Toordle
Summary: Away from the children, the adults of Hogwarts aren't quite so responsible. And all they seem to care about is...rubber duckies. Witness the true lives and beliefs of Hooch, Voldie, Vernon, and many others in this tale of stupidity and crappiness!
1. Once Upon a Rubber Ducky

_**IMPORTANTNESS.**_ If you haven't read my story, "Harry Potter-How it REALLY happened", you wont understand this at ALL. Um. If you don't want to read it, here's a summary of it.

James, Sirius, and Lupin were going to have a threesome marriage, but James dumped them for Lily. They decide to make Harry's life suck in revenge, but Lily and James help them for some reason. Voldie stole everyones rubber duckies, so they made the world think he was a convicted murderer. Petunia and Vernon are actually Lily and James in disguise. Harry eventually finds out, but he decides to play along, because Voldie stole his rubber ducky. So he makes up stories about Voldie and J.K. Rowling publishes them.

Yuh. Makes no sense. Completely insane. xD

And yes, all wizards/witches are secretly obsessed with rubber duckies.

Disclaimer: I got the Snape/Hooch thing from another fanfic...Oo teh insane plot-type thing belongs to me, and all the characters and other stuff belongs to J.K Rowling.

Chapter One: Once Upon A Rubber Ducky...

Rolanda Hooch sat in Snape's office. She could never stop thinking about him. Because of her love for him, she didn't care about her rubber ducky nearly as much as everyone else did. She'd rather see Severus happy with his own rubber ducky. She had actually named her rubber ducky after him, you know.

She first met him when they were both about one and a half. "Severus" was her first word, as a matter of fact. He eventually moved away. They re-met at Hogwarts, but he ignored her. She decided she hated him, but she still loved him, nonetheless. She bought tons of gifts for him, like dancing purple flamingos, bunny ears, rainbow pajamas, and even bunny slippers! He accepted them, but he never thanked her once.

After Hogwarts, she decided she HAD to find out where he was working. She found him. He seemed depressed. But, he was happy to see her! They eventually started dating. A few years later, he asked her to marry him. She refused, because she didn't like his last name. She didn't want to damage his memory with a memory charm, but she wanted him to forget about ever dating her, so if she ever met him again, she might be able to have a chance with him. So she borrowed a neurlizer from the Men in Black.

She went to work at Hogwarts after that. A few years later, Severus came back to work at Hogwarts, too! But he was bitter as ever. Everyone made fun of his greasy hair. If she had agreed to marry him, he would be much more well-groomed and attractive. She was determined to get him once more.

After talking with Umbridge about her stupid ideas, Snape went back to his office. But when he entered, who else was there, but Rolanda Hooch, of all people! He threw a bunny slipper at her.

"Oh, Sev, darling!" she flung her arms around him.

"Um. Leave me alone."

She burst into tears. "W-were you just talking with...with UMBRIDGE?"

"Um. Yeah?"

"NOOOO. I THOUGHT YOU HATED PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU LOVE PINK CARDIGAN WOMAN!"

"Um. I don't. She just called me to talk about something.

"Oh!" she immediately stopped crying. But then her lip started trembling again. "B-but...what about...VOLDIE! Do you love HIM?"

Severus' eyes widened. "Voldie! How could I love Voldie! HE STOLE MY RUBBER DUCKY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

She looked up at him. "Rubber ducky..."

They both looked at each other for a minute, then burst into song.

"RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE...WHO MAKES BATHTIME LOTS OF FUN!" then they started crying, missing their rubber duckies.

Severus had always found Rolanda pretty annoying, but he somehow enjoyed her company. He had no idea WHY she ever wanted to be around him, though. He had always thought she just wanted to steal his rubber ducky. But he didn't have one now. Well, at least she never spoke of Harry to her. Or...James, Sirius, and Remus...he sighed, thinking of them. They never liked him. They were always mean to him...

James Potter glued on his moustache, and put his contacts in. Taking care of Dudley was such a pain...he sighed. "PETUNIA!" he yelled at his wife, Lily. He hated his new life. He hated having to look at his once beautiful wife, who now resembled Michael Jackson. He hated looking in the mirror every morning, and seeing Orson Wells. He sat down and started drawing rubber duckies.

"VERNON! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRENCH TOAST FOR BREAKFAST?" he heard his wife's now squeaky voice yell.

"Yes, Petunia..." he sighed. He got up to get the door. No, no one rang it. He was just in the mood.

A flying cow flew in and attacked him. He sighed.

No one really understood him. He was thinking of divorcing Lily and marrying Sirius and Remus. But he didn't know if that was possible. Plus, the only person he TRULY loved...was Severus. But Sirius and Remus didn't love him. And Peter...they had all forgotten about Peter. But his animagi form was a mouse, after all...

Rolanda had to do something nice for Severus. Something REALLY nice. Get him a...new rubber ducky. But Voldie had stolen every rubber ducky in existence. But...the Muggle World. Voldie was blocked from entering the Muggle World. Maybe someone could have accidentally dropped one there, or something. The Muggles wouldn't know what it was, they'd probably just leave it there!

Rolanda searched the Muggle world. She didn't see any, so she went to question some Muggles. She entered the closest store to her, a toy shop, and spoke to the owner.

"Um. Have you seen a rubber yellow thing...that looks like a duck?" this was the best she could explain it.

"Oh, you mean rubber duckies? This way. he pointed to an isle. Rolanda gaped at him.

"Y-you know about...about rubber duckies!" she ran to the direction he was pointing.

And she saw them. Over ten rubber duckies. In one place. Hidden from Voldie! How the Muggles had found them, she didn't know, but she immediately bought them all. She ran outside and wrote a note to Snape.

"Severus! You have to come at once! I've found the best thing EVER! It's so great, I can't mention it in this letter! Hurry!" it said. She waited for him to apparate there, or send a note back.

She got a note from him, and quickly read it.

"Hooch, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm really busy right now, and I don't have time to have tea in the Muggle World."

She sighed, and wrote him another letter. "This is a LOT better than tea. Come, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!"

His response was, "Fine."

Rolanda grinned so widely her head blew up. Again.

XD Did you like? You probably didn't oO But review anyway. Flame me, or tell me how much you love it. Give suggestions. I just might use them. I've only thought of a couple things to happen in the next chapter, one being obvious. (the end of what was just happening oO) Anyways. Review. Questions, Comments, Stuff. xD I'll shut up now. But review, damn yew xX


	2. Love of the Rubber Duckies

A/N: Wow. Its been forever since I last updated anything. I'm in a writing mood again. So here you go. 3

Chapter Two: Love of the Rubber Duckies

"Rolanda, this had better be impo-" but when Severus saw the rubber duckies, he stopped talking at once, and rushed over to them.

"I told you you wouldn't want to miss it." Rolanda said with a wink.

"But..." he had a huge grin on his face. "Why would you show me the rubber duckies? Why me...and no one else?"

"Because I'm in love with you, silly goose." she hugged a rubber ducky.

"R-really? But why? I'm a miserable...bitter...old..."

"I know there's some good in there, Sevvy darling."

Severus unexpectedly flung his arms around her. "Thank you."

"Wow. I should get you gifties more often, huh? How 'bout a tap-dancing flamingo?" her face went purple with happiness.

"That would be glorious." he said dreamily.

-

Lily Potter was in the kitchen, making pancakes for her overweight son, Dudley. She was sick of him. She was sick of making food. She was currently making French toast for Dudley and James. James...she looked at him. He was busy wrestling with a flying cow. What an idiot.

"HURRY UP, WOMAN!" yelled Dudley.

Lily sighed. "I'm working on it, ickle Dudders." she tried to sound cheerful.

"YOU'D BETTER BE!"

Why couldn't James have just gone with Sirius and Remus? She wouldn't have to put up with all this crap. She finished making French toast and gave some of it to Dudley.

Well, at least she could live in the Muggle world. Which meant she was safe from the rubber ducky thief! She left James' French toast on the counter. "I'M LEAVING YOUR FRENCH TOAST ON THE COUNTER, VERNON!"

Lily went to go take a bath with her rubber ducky. Rubber duckies were the only reason she was still willing to live...

-

Voldie sat in his fluffy pink armchair wearing his bunny slippers, staring at his pool that he filled with rubber duckies. "I wonder what It'd be like to swim in there..." he said to himself.

"Voldie darling! I managed to steal some more rubber duckies for you!" it was Lucius Malfoy.

Voldie gasped. "Really? Just for me?" he kissed Lucius on the cheek. "Thank you so much!"

Lucius threw the rubber duckies into the pool. "I'd do anything, just to see a smile on your face."

"To see you with these eyes, just that, is enough to get a smile from me, Lucius."

Lucius kissed him. "I love you, Voldie."

"I love you too, Lucius."

"Voldie, would you join me in swimming in this pool of rubber duckies?"

Voldie gasped, and started crying from happiness. "Lucius! I couldn't ask for a better woman than you! I should love to, more than I'd love to do anything!"

And so they did.

Yaay slash xD Well, I think they make a good couple. What do YOU think? XP Tell me IN YOUR REVIEW. Hintishnessism


	3. Enter the Rubber Ducky

A/N: I am SO lazy. How long has it been since my last update? well, a few days. but besides that one? THREE MONTHS. THREEE MONTHS. xD Yuh. And I just decided to update this story cush its hella tight. xD

Chapter Three: Enter the Rubber Ducky

"Oh, Draaaco!" Narcissa called.

Draco sighed. "Yes, mother?"

"Would you be a dear, and go...play with your friends?"

"...Friends?"

She stared at him. "...Honey, you have friends. You have...uh...Crabbe and Goyle!"

Draco stared right back at her. "Uh. They're not my friends. They're my...henchmen!"

"...Then go play with your henchmen. I need some...me time."

"You mean you need to get back at dad for swimming naked in a pool of stolen rubber duckies with Voldemort by hiring a prostitute named Michael."

"That's right, hun. ...Wait. HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? ...I mean. Uh...uh...NO I'M NOT!"

But Draco was already gone.

-

Minerva rushed into Dumbledore's office. "ALBUS! WE HAVE A SITUATION!"

"Yes?" he was sitting at his desk in his underwear. ...And a red cape.

"Our potions teacher...and our Quidditch teacher...have disappeared!"

"I'M ON IT!" he yelled. He flew out the window. "CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS AWAAAY!"

Minerva casually walked over to his desk and took a few papers, then left the room.

-

"Sooo...Hoochie, what do you like to do in your spare time?" Severus inquired.

"Oh, I like to do lots of things! Like playing Quidditch! And reading books about Quidditch! And riding broomsticks! And racing on broomsticks! And teaching how to ride broomsticks! ...How about you, Sevvy?"

"Oh, me? I like mixing potions. Well, that's not all I like to do, but that's pretty much all I can do now. I wanted to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but they wouldn't let me."

The two were sitting down at an ice-cream parlor. They had separate seats for each of their rubber duckies. The people around them tried not to stare.

"So, where do you think we should hide our rubber duckies? There's nowhere in our world that's safe from Voldie..." said Rolanda.

"Oh, that's no problem. I have a little storage place in the Muggle World. I'll take you there later. I'll even give you a spare key, since you found them."

"Oh, thank you, Sevvy!" she flung her arms around him.

"So...Rolanda. What do you say we-" he was cut off by a loud...farting...noise...?

"NEVER FEAR! CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS IS HERE!" Dumbledore flew over to them and landed on their table...with a loud crash.

"Er...Hi...Dumbledore?" Rolanda was a little taken aback. "Are you not aware that we're completely surrounded by Muggles?"

"Oh well," he said with a shrug. "Minerva said you two went poof. We need you back at the castle."

"...Oh." Rolanda sounded disappointed. "Well, I guess we have to go with him, then. Come, Sevvy."

-

Lucius and Voldie were still swimming in their pool of rubber duckies.

"Lucius...when you're with your wife...do you ever imagine that she's me?" asked Voldie.

"Not a day goes by when I don't, my love."

Voldie stared. "Lucius...you know..." he paused. "Why don't you just...DIVORCE her? I mean, it's not like she doesn't already know you're in love with me. And I'm sure she's having an affair, too."

Lucius looked at him like he was crazy. "How DARE you suggest such a thing! My wife and I VALUE our relationship. She would never have an affair! When we got married, we promised we'd remain loyal to each other for the rest of our lives! Do you ACTUALLY think she'd go and do something like that to me!"

Voldie looked as if he were about to cry. "You mean...your relationship with Narcissa...is more important than your relationship with me?"

"...Uh, yeah? She's kind of my wife?"

"THEN GET OUT OF MY POOL!" Voldie cried. "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

Lucius burst into tears. "BUT VOLDIE, I LOVE YOU! WE WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!"

"AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I'VE EVER LOVED ANYONE! BUT NARCISSA, A WOMAN, IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN I!"

"B-But, it's against our vows to-to-"

"GET OUT!"

Blubbering, Lucius got out of the pool. (Readers, shield your eyes!) He dried off and put his clothes back on. (Okay, you can look now.) Then he left.

Voldie cried. "I just lost the one thing that makes my life worth living..." then he looked around at his rubber duckies. "...Who the hell am I kidding!" he swam around in them and sang happily.

-

xD that chapter was a little odd. Review, review, review. My lovelies.


	4. When Rubber Duckies Attack

(A/N: Turtle's updating this story again! Yey! Anyways, Frank is a real person. He's not really Filch's brother, I hope. But he was the janitor at my old school. And he seriously did look exactly like Filch without the hair. oO Seriously, his face was exactly the same. And Anna is completely made up. She belongs to meee. Bwahaha.)

Chapter Four: When Rubber Duckies Attack

"Argus, you can't hide from it any longer..." said Frank.

"...I'm not hiding it." replied Filch.

"...Oh." said Frank. "Well. You wanna go get some ice-cream?"

"No. I want to stay here and yell at kids for skipping and looking happy."

"Oh. Well, suit yourself." said Frank, and left the room.

Frank wasn't just your typical old friend. He was Filch's...non-evil twin, lets say. He looked exactly like him, without the hair. And he was a little less...greasy-looking. He was not a Squib as Filch was, but he lived in the Muggle World. He worked as a school janitor there, because it was safe from Voldie.

"Argus!" called someone unfamiliar to Frank, as well as everyone else in Hogwarts. "Do you remember me! Its me, Anna!"

"Sorry, I'm not Argus." said Frank with a smile.

"Oh, come on. You know I'm not gonna buy that. Sure, you cut your hair, and its...gray. But you're still the same person I'm looking for!"

"No, I'm really not Argus. I'm his identical twin brother."

Anna simply laughed.

Filch came out of his office. "Frank, you'd better not be-Anna!"

Anna looked at Filch, then at Frank, then back to Filch. "...You were telling the truth."

"Yes, I was." smiled Frank. "I'm Frank Filch. This is Argus." he gestured toward his brother. "Well, I'm off." and he left.

"Argus...it's...been a long time." said Anna.

"Hello, Anna," said Filch rather coldly. "Still cleaning up dust bunnies and shining shoes for that Malfoy family?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am." she replied just as icily.

"So why'd you come back? Trying to get money out of me to pay back your debt to them?"

"No, I just came to give you something."

"Which is?"

Anna leaned toward him, closing her eyes slowly. When he started to close his eyes, she drew her fist back, and punched him with all of her might in the jaw, causing him to fall backwards and pass out.

"THAT'S FOR MAKING LUCIUS SAVE ME, YOU ASSHOLE!" and with that, she turned on her heel and stomped off.

-

"MINERVA! I'VE BROUGHT THEM!" yelled Dumbledore. "I'VE BROUGHT...oh, hell, what were their names again? ROLERUS AND SEVANDA!"

Minerva walked into the room. "Tehehe. Rolerus. -hic- Sevanda." she giggled like a schoolgirl. "Hey, Bumblebore. You gots any more -hic- WHISKAYYYY?"

"MINERVA! HOW DARE YOU GET INTO MY HIDDEN SUPER-SECRET UNKNOWN BY ANYONE BUT ME ALCOHOL CABINET! CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS WILL HEAR OF THIS!"

"Albus, I thought you were Captain Underpants." said Rolanda.

"No, I have to be drunk to be Captain Underpants. And shame on you two, wandering off into the Muggle World like rebellious teenagers!"

"We're sorry." Rolanda and Severus replied. They hung their heads.

"Yeah, I suppose you're forgiven." said Albus. He pulled them into a huddle. "But if I ever, EVER, hear you've done anything like that with, say, HAGRID. Your days of drinking chocolate milkshakes will be OVER."

The both gasped in horror.

"We'll be good, I promise!" cried Severus. They both ran off.

"You'd better," glared Albus.

-

"James." said Lily.

James jumped. It was the first time she had called him by his real name since before Harry was born.

"James?" Dudley cocked his head. "James is dead."

"Look, Dudders..." said Lily. "It's time we reveal something to you."

"Lil-er-Petunia! We took an oath never to tell him!"

"We don't have a choice." said Lily.

"Why not? Why do we suddenly have to tell him?"

"Because," said Lily. "Because. We have been lying to our son. Our innocent, wonderful son. And LOOK at what our lies have turned him into! This snobby, self-centered kid! Harry brought you away from Sirius and Remus. If it weren't for him, we would never have had to get married. You would be married to Sirius and Remus, and I'd be in Las Vegas, hitting on some sixty-year-old fat chick! He deserves it. But DUDLEY. How DARE we treat him this way!"

Dudley stared at them blankly. "I...I knew it."

Lily looked at him, as if she just realized he was there.

"You're both...you're both...HOMOSEXUALS!" he cried.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah. But that wasn't exactly the thing we've been keeping from you. I thought that was pretty obvious." she eyed James, who was desperately trying to clean up wine he spilt on the carpet.

"Oh." said Dudley. He plopped onto the sofa. "What's your big dark secret then?"

"Well..." started Lily. "The easiest way to cover it...Harry's not your cousin."

"...I KNEW IT!" he yelled. "I KNEW I COULDN'T BE RELATED TO THAT STUPID KID! I KNEWWWW IT!" he did a jig.

"HE'S YOUR BROTHER." said Lily.

Dudley stopped dead in his tracks. "...Pardon?"

"HE'S YOUR DAMN BROTHER."

"But...he can't be my brother. Because, you know, his parents are Lily and James, your sister and her husband..."

"We ARE Lily and James."

"No you aren't. You're Petunia and Vernon."

"No, we're Lily and James."

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

James phoned up the Men in Black, and asked them to come over with their neuralizer.

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

This went on for several hours, until the Men in Black arrived and made Dudley forget the entire conversation.

-

Severus ran from Dumbledore's office to a small broom closet, with Rolanda following him. They both went inside it.

"Look," he said. "I know we've only been together for a short time, but I've known you for so long. And I'm just...so alone."

"Severus, I can make sure you're never alone." she said dreamily.

He fumbled in his pocket. "Look, I've had this for a long time. I don't know where it came from, but I've been looking for the right person to give it to for a long time..."

When he looked up at her, her face was only about two inches away from his.

Before he could say 'ring', their mouths were connected.

"I love you, Severus." Rolanda said when the kiss was over.

"Rolanda...I...love you too." said Severus.

She looked happier than he had ever seen her. And he was about to make her even happier, he hoped.

"That's why..." he pulled a box out of his pocket, and opened it. It contained a diamond ring. "Will you...marry me?"

She stared in shock. For the second time in her life, she had the chance to fulfill her lifelong dream. She couldn't pass it up this time.

But how could she agree! 'Rolanda Snape'! She cringed at the thought of it. How could she possibly live with that name? Well, maybe she could keep her maiden name. They let people do that. It would be weird, to be married to him and have a different name. But it would be better than not marrying him at all!

"...Can I keep my last name?" she inquired.

"...Wha?"

"I don't really like the surname 'Snape'. Can I keep mine?"

He stared at her. "Rolanda, if you truly love me, the last name won't matter."

"It shouldn't matter to you, either. Can I keep mine? It's a simple question, really."

He sighed. "I suppose."

She nearly cried with happiness. "Yes! Yes, I will! We can live in the Muggle World, or we can remain in Hogwarts, or we can get a nice cottage near the border! It doesn't matter where, but we'll be together! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!" she flung her arms around him.

He smiled. "It is, isn't it..."

-

Voldie cried and cried in his fuzzy pink armchair. "How could I let him go? He was the most important thing in the world to me...besides my rubber duckies, that is...oh, and Dumbledore..."

But Dumbledore loved Hagrid. Plus, Lucius was a much better lover than Dumbledore. Dumbledore would turn into Captain Underpants in the middle of a romantic dinner and ruin everything. Lucius, on the other hand, was absolutely perfect. But he refused to divorce Narcissa, for whatever reason.

"Voldie, you busy?" Wormtail called.

"I'm never busy anymore, since my Lucie left me..."

"Yeah. So you want to have a candlelit dinner with me and swim together in your pool of rubber duckies? I'm single, you know."

"I'll pass." Voldie replied.

"Come on, Voldie. You need to get over Lucius. He wasn't your soul mate, anyways. Dumbledore is. But you and Dumbledore can't be, since you live in different worlds. But, there's always me as your third option!"

"There are SO many options above you. Draco, Frank, Argus, Dobby, Anna-"

"Anna's a woman, Voldie."

"I know, but she's still above you."

"Oh. Well, your loss, I guess." and with that he left.

Dumbledore was his soul mate, now was he? Well, even so, he was determined to get Lucius back. Lucius was the one he loved...

-

Tehehe. That chapter was a little much, wasn't it? xD Well, you know teh drill. Review, cookie. :3


	5. How the Rubber Ducky Crumbles

(A/N: I haven't updated in so long. I've been busy, moving across teh country and settling in. Then I had writer's block for a while. Mhm. o.o So, here you go. Another exciting episode of Rubber Ducky Soap Opera)

Chapter Five: How the Rubber Ducky Crumbles

"NARCISSA, I'M HO-" Lucius stopped abruptly as soon as he entered the house.

Michael sighed. "You may as well pay me right here."

"No, I'm not done with you yet." Narcissa glared at him. She then turned to Lucius. "I thought you were out having a love affair with that rubber ducky stealer."

He sighed and stared down at his feet. "He...doesn't understand me. He wants me to divorce you."

Michael raised an eyebrow. "I used to think I had marital problems.."

"Lucius, we probably should get divorced. I mean, look at us!" Narcissa sighed.

"NO! WE SWORE AN OATH WHEN WE GOT MARRIED! WE'RE BOUND TOGETHER BY OUR LOVE!" Lucius cried out.

"Lucius...we shouldn't keep living like this."

Lucius burst out crying. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'M LEAVING!" he ran out of the house.

-

Draco watched his father leave. It didn't make much of a difference, anyways. Ever since he met Voldie, his father only came home about once a month.

Not that his mother was a great parent, either. She didn't really care about him. He only stayed there because they had tons of fancy things. Being rich was the bomb.

"Yo! Draco! Mah homie gizzle!" Crabbe called.

"I'm not really in the mood, Crabbe."

"For what?"

"Um. For you?"

"Oh." he hopped away.

Draco sighed. He needed to make some friends with an IQ of over 40. He always wanted to be friends with that Harry kid. He was so cool. He made that guy his father was obsessed with miserable. But nooo. He was in SLYTHERIN, the house VOLDIE was in. Oh well.

-

"WHAT?" Minerva shrieked.

"I said, I'm marrying Rolanda." Severus said.

"But you CAN'T! I LOVE YOU!" she clung to him.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I thought you loved Dumbledore."

She shifted her eyes a little. "Well, that was ten minutes ago. I change my mind occasionally. Plus, he's in love with Hagrid."

"Well, what about Mad-Eye? I heard he was available."

Minerva gasped. "MAD-EYE! HE MUST BE MINE!" she ran away at top speed.

Suddenly, Severus realized how stupid and pathetic this story is. He merely sighed.

-

"James...I still think we should tell the boy.." Lily sighed.

"No way, PETUNIA. We can't tell him! We promised we wouldn't!"

"...You know, I love it when you get angry."

"...Whoah. What? Look, woman. I don't swing that way!"

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. Man and woman don't belong together, but living with you for so long has made me...kind of into you, I guess. I never had a special woman in my life. You're the only person I've ever truly loved."

James sighed. " suppose I've grown to love you too. Although there's still a place in my heart for Remus and Sirius."

She smiled. "I'm happy for that."

"So, don't you think we should still keep Dudley in the dust about it?"

"I suppose..."

"Good." he smiled back.

-

"So, Hooch. You're finally getting married." Minerva stated casually.

"Yes, I am. I'm so happy!" she squealed.

Minerva glared at her. "If you ever hurt my Severus.."

Rolanda sighed. "GET. OVER. HIM. He dumped you a loong time ago. You can find someone else."

...She raised an eyebrow. "I dated him? Huh. I don't recall. But the thing is. I CAN'T find someone else. It's impossible to find love in this world, for me. Therefore I have to annoy the crap out of you and get in the way of your relationship constantly."

"Oh, okay. What about Mad-Eye? I heard he was available." Rolanda casually stated.

"That's EXACTLY what Sevvy said. I looked into that. He's gay."

"Oh. Well, that was obvious. Ninety percent of wizards and witches are gay, so I wouldn't have thought he would have been part of that ten percent. That was stupid of me."

"I'm also madly in love with Dumbledore. But he's in love with Hagrid. And I heard he has even stronger feelings for Voldie. I think Filch is in love with him, too. As well as Lucius, Peter, Cornelius, and even Harry Potter. So yeah. He's kind of a...man's man. Tehehe."

"Oh, who DOESN'T have feelings for Dumbledore? Everyone has super-secret feelings for that sexy hunk of man meat that wears a cape and flies around only wearing underwear. But you have to be a SAINT to get a piece of him. Or really fat and misunderstood. That seems to turn him on too."

"Yeah, I guess. Well, I'm off." Minerva sighed.

"See you!" Rolanda smiled.

-

"Voldie, darling! I'm baaaack!"

Voldie gasped. "Lucie, my love!" he pulled Lucius into a tight embrace.

"I've made up my mind. I'm going to leave Narcissa."

"For real?"

"Yes. I simply cannot live without you."

"Oh, Lucius! This is the happiest day of my life! Now we can be together forever, with nothing in our way!"

Lucius nodded. "I'm living with you all the time for now on. We will never be apart." He walked over to Voldie's stereo and turned it on. Some romantic music played.

"Lucius, you're so wonderful!" he grabbed him and started to dance.

Just then, Wormtail came in. "Oh crap.." he murmered. "Back already, Lucius?"

"Oh, hey there, Wormtail."

"I need to tell you something, Lucius."

"Yes?"

"I am carrying your baby."

Voldie suddenly dropped Lucius and the music went to a halt.

"WHAT?" Voldie screamed. He ran over to Wormtail and picked him up by the collar.

"I beat you to it. I'm sorry."

"LUCIUS IS A MAN!"

Wormtail raised an eyebrow. "Um, yeah? And I'm a woman. Aren't you a little surprised about that?"

"I ALREADY KNEW THAT! THAT WAS OBVIOUS! BUT LUCIUS! YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME!" he dropped Wormtail and started foaming at the mouth. "Luciusssssss..."

"I...I never said I was a woman!" he started crying. "Don't hurt me, Voldie! I love you!"

He stopped in his tracks. "Lucius. A man. I love you too. You're a man. I'm madly, deeply, in love with you.." he gasped. "I'm GAY!"

Everyone raised their eyebrows.

"Hmm, Voldie. You own every Cher record ever made, you're a professional ballet dancer, You've seen the play "Romeo and Juliet" over 300 times, and you don't own a single article of clothing that isn't fluffy and pink. I might say that's kind of obvious." Wormtail said slowly.

Voldie collapsed to the floor and started crying. "I was blinded this whole time, by that door. But now I see the light! I have found my way out of that room, filled with clothing, and shoes! To a place now open to me! I see it now! The pieces are all falling into place now!"

"That has to be the worst speech I have ever heard." Wormtail muttered.

"DON'T MOCK MY SPEECHES!" Voldie threw a bunny slipper at him.

Lucius got onto his feet and held Voldie. "This doesn't change a thing, Voldie. You still remain with the person you love. Your life still remains the same."

Voldie stared at him. "Are you SURE you aren't a woman?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

"Well, I suppose I can love a man."

-

Hah. See, it's a soap opera. It's almost as badly written as one. Well, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions. They make me want to continue. Reviews are an HONOR to meh. points to teh review thingie


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